December is finally upon us and you know what that means? CHRISTMAS MONTH! If you are a bah humbug then you best not read any further as you won’t find an ally here. Hearing Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas played 50 times over in Myer department store may drive some people nuts but I relish every single second of her beautiful diva soprano vibrations. Forget the presents; Christmas is all about the eating. Pudding, Chrissy cake, rumballs, shortbread, mince pies and that’s just the sweets. I mean, Christmas really is that special time of year when it’s totally ok to get trolleyed on champers in front of your family, stuff ya face, unbutton your pants in public and then sleep it all off in the afternoon WITH NO JUDGEMENT. What’s not to love?
Christmas, however, does also bring another special awkward occurrence: The Work Christmas Party. The Work Christmas Party (W.C.P) can be a perilous situation. How you conduct yourself within the W.C.P can seriously affect just how unpleasant the following Monday morning will be. In my own experience, one mistimed pash and dash with a co-worker can lead to months and months of uncomfortable tumble weed, cricket-chirping shifts together, climaxing with a hand delivered and handwritten Valentine’s Card being shoved in your letterbox in the dead of night. Nobody wants that for Christmas. However, no-one wants to be a complete saint at their W.C.P, especially when there are (usually) copious amounts of free and tax deductable alcohol floating around.
So here’s my
Guide To Getting Loose As A Goose At The Work Christmas Party (But Still Having A Job On Monday
1. Plan Ahead and Bring Supplies
No, I’m not talking about the obligatory cheap bottle of plonk or cheese ball in plastic wrap that you’re supposed to show up with. I’m talking handbags. First off, forget about bringing that dainty little clutch that holds ya lippy, ya license and 20 bucks. You need to be fronting some heavy duty arm luggage. I’m talking carry-on baggage size. Why, you ask? You’ll need all that space for all the food you’ll be dropping in there when you first arrive. Mince pies, olives, bit of brie- you need to be napkin wrapping that shit and stowing it away like a squirrel in winter. ‘Cos when those (drunk) munchies hit at 9.20pm, all you’ll be faced with at the food table is a coupla sad looking celery sticks and some soggy salt and vinegar crumbs that have already been fingered by at least five other people. Experienced booze hounds know that your stomach needs lining if you're going to make it past midnight. So plan ahead with your bag wear and you’ll be enjoying a five course feast in the privacy of your own toilet stall by 9.30pm.
2. Start a Rumour....EARLY
The later in the evening that you (inevitably) end up embarrassing yourself, the more likely people are to not remember. However, just in case your table top dancing comes a little earlier than scheduled, it’s always good to have another salacious situation on hand in order to steer the Monday morning conversation away from the fact that everyone saw your Best and Less underwear. When the clock strikes exactly 7.45pm, it’s time to start fake laughing your way into circles of conversation and planting the beginnings of some naughty fibs. The earlier the better, whilst people’s minds are pink Moscato-free. Some ‘ol reliables are a surprise office pregnancy or a good old fashioned shag in the toilet sighting between a highly unlikely pairing of people. If you’re uncomfortable with creating Real Housewives of Beverly Hills level drama, then just start small. Mosey up to a group of people and position yourself behind the head of the most animated talker. Making eye contact with the rest of the group, make a little drinking glass gesture. An extra fake stumble will really nail your point home.Come Monday, you’ll be able to spout lines such as ‘Gosh, do you remember how drunk Bill was? He wouldn’t stop TALKING.’
3. Be a Bar Maid...For Your Boss
Nobody likes being the booze bitch. However, it’s in your best interest to act as bar maid if the end result is you getting your boss completely sloshed. There can be no recriminations for your horrifying W.C.P behaviour if your boss was as equally embarrassing or if, in fact, you were the one holding back your superior’s hair whilst she/he had a little vom-vom after too many tequilas (served by you.) For the first half of the party you need to stalk your boss with a bottle of Sav Blanc, ready to refill at the drop of a hat. It may interrupt the mingling portion of your evening but you will be happy later when you’re outside, watching your boss bum-puff a cigarette whilst they tell you all their secrets. A million extra bonus points if you elicit an emotional cry or a ‘But I really love yooooooooooooooooou’ from your manager.
4. Make-outs Require Four Walls
There’s always a moment at the W.C.P, usually about five glasses in, when you decide that actually, Rodney from Accounting is not a boring sod but a really, really beautiful misunderstood soul. You’re starting to head down the road of a Co-Worker Make-Out Situation. Look, I’d love to say don’t do it but let’s be honest, after a few more glasses, right blurs with wrong and just like honey to a bee and Rihanna to Chris Brown, you find yourself drawn to a future potentially sticky situation. If the spirit of Christmas takes you and you decide to get all kissy face with a colleague, then privacy is the key. Bushes are not adequate forms of concealment- the foliage is never quite as thick as you think it is. Same goes for corners, hands and (I’ve actually seen this) spread-out napkins. Collaborative teammate tonsil hockey calls for four walls, so take it to the supply closet, a car or the mini kitchenette. Unless it’s someone that’s not you, then by all means, get ya phone out quick smart and start snapping some pics for future office blackmail.
Time your work Christmas Party karaoke choices right. Yes, you sing that Celine Dion ballad beautifully but My Heart Will Go On is an end of the night tune, not an 8pm energiser. JSYK, Gangster’s Paradise fits ANY timeslot.
With this guide in mind, by 11pm, you should be swinging from chandeliers and having a W.C.P gay 'ol time, fearless of the Monday morning water cooler convos.
Or you could be like me, a few weeks ago, alone on penthouse balcony, sending texts like this:
Either way, enjoy and MERRY CHRISTMAS!