It's Bogan, bitch.

Happy New Year BoaB-er’s! That’s my new name for all my Bogan on a Bus fans, i.e. just the two of you.

Now I’m sure that at some point after the two of you had settled in nicely to 2013, you spared a moment to ponder where on earth that bogan girl with an odd fixation on toilets who was constantly shoving her travels in your face had disappeared to? Had someone in the Russian mafia done you all a favour and gotten rid of her in Siberia for once and all, ridding the world of her amateurish ramblings?

Well I’m sorry to burst your bubble but I am alive and well in Ireland, although I do spend most days in bed in a comatose-like state, stuffing my face and watching shows about rich Persians in LA. My Mave on the Move adventure in 2012 saw me hit 16 countries in nine months and I’m just positively EXHAUSTED with all that lovely travelling. It’s a hard life but someone’s gotta do it. Towards the end of the year, I started moving very quickly through the aforementioned countries in a bid to get to Iceland by early December to see two of the most beautiful men on the planet exchange vows on a black beach. At this point in time, I was faaaaaaaaaar too busy YouTubing wedding hairstyles to bang out any blogs and this page began to become as forgotten about as Lindsay Lohan’s early career (she was bloody great in Herbie and I won’t hear otherwise).

Never a bride, always a bridesmaid....
Nic and Rich's Icelandic nuptials

But just like Britney, this bogan is back, bitch. So I’d thought I’d fill you all in on my plans because I know you’re all chomping at the bits to know what area of the world I will be complaining about toilets in. But before I begin, I’d like to comment briefly on my bogan relationship status. I am a bogan to be betrothed. Seemingly, after seeing my pale face clutching at a vomit bag on a train in Sri Lanka and listening to my angry rant about witnessing a man fishing for pocket trout on an Indian train, Dave thought, ‘Gosh, I’d marry that.’ I’ve now had to abandon all plans to learn the choreography to Beyoncé’s Single Ladies dance, which is probably for the best because I don’t look good in a black leotard. 

The period after an engagement should always be a happy time but for me, it’s been a chance to witness just how much potential I have to be a really scary, J-Lo-esque bridezilla. It’s almost shocking just how much enjoyment I am getting from pinning wedding type things on Pinterest. Who IS this person? The other day, I contemplated for at least 15 minutes starting a wedding blog entitled ‘Bogan in a Barn,’ chronicling my journey to try and have a barn wedding in horrible Irish weather. A wedding blog people! That ring must have some deep, terrifying powers. The last time I saw a ring do something so powerful to a person was in The Lord of The Rings and they turned into bloody Gollum. So what I’m saying is that I’m basically Gollum, just not as emaciated and way more into weddings. Dave’s initial happy smiles have been replaced with a slight look of panic and I have been soothing his shaken nerves by shouting, ‘The ring is on my bloody finger now! The only way you’re getting it off is if you cut it from my cold, dead body!

'Don't be fooled by the rocks that I got, I'm still, I'm still the bogan from the block...'

Sorry Dave, there's no getting out of it now, I have WITNESSES!

But this year, the great travelling extravaganza will continue for myself and my fiancé (Oh gosh, I’m VERY grown up.) To start, we will be returning to what should now be considered our second home, South Korea, so I can help orientate a bunch of university students teaching in Korea for the first time. Naturally, this is a perfect position for me because I am veeeeery worldly now and as equally responsible, so I will in no way showing them where all the best bars in Seoul are or teaching them any Korean drinking games. From the sub zero temperatures of Korea, we will head to sunny Hawaii and I’ve already started my starvation diet in order to be beach bikini ready. Basically, I was faced with the choice of having to wear a muumuu on the beach or attempting to undergo Beyoncé’s super cray-cray cayenne pepper lemon drink diet. For the moment, being a Dreamgirl has won out or at least for the five days that my willpower will last.  

From Hawaii, we will attempt a voyage into Alaska and I forewarn you, there will be A LOT of Into The Wild references, much in the same way I flogged the absolute crap out of Eat, Pray, Love last year. Yes, sometimes as a break between all the Real Housewives marathons, I do manage to actually read a book and Into The Wild is one of the most interesting stories I’ve read and has always made me want to go to Alaska. With our wilderness quota filled, we will head to Seattle and work our way down the coast, stopping in San Francisco and LA, where it is my goal to see at least 5 famous people. D-List celebs are perfectly acceptable.

After I see Honey Boo-Boo, we will continue onwards through Central America, at stops which are yet to be determined. The end of this leg of the trip will be a visit to New York and after we sufficiently take a bite out of the Big Apple, we’ll head north to visit our Canadian friends and eat a lot of maple syrup and bacon. Europe will call us back in July for more weddings and then your guess is as good as mine. At some point, we’ll need to face the big questions like ‘WHAT IN THE NAME OF OPRAH ARE WE DOING WITH OUR LIVES?’ but for now, our sights are set on the simple pleasures such as that pineapple cocktail waiting for us in Hawaii.

But, as always, wherever this bogan goes, there’s sure to be a catastrophe or two and I look forward to again sharing my transatlantic calamities with you in 2013 and getting regular emails from my parents asking me to stop blaspheming on the internet.

Now, it’s often hard for this cold heart to express emotion but I hope that whatever this year holds for you BoaB-ers, that it be highly magical and amazing. Now let the bog-tastic adventures begin!

Ready and raring to get back on the road