Blue/Bogan Crush

Aloha wahines and ranes!

As you can see, I've already gone totally cultural in Hawaii and learnt the language in a hot second. 

I tell you what, I have been on bloody Struggle St trying churn a blog out. I'm sorry but I'm v.v busy stuffing my face with Mac and Cheese and Rice Krispies. Exaggeration 5000? There is literally a bowl of Mac and Cheese sitting next to me as I type. HELLO USA AND THE LAND OF PLENTY! And believe me, my belly is getting plentiful.

So here I finally am, in the land of sunshine, pineapples and beaches a.k.a Hawaii. The road to get here was not so easy and breezy. After several months of miserable cold weather and legs that had long been neglected by a razor, Dave and I rocked up to the airport in Korea eager to get a little sun on our pale bodies. China Eastern Airlines had other ideas. Our flight to Shanghai was delayed, meaning we would miss our connecting flight to Honolulu. After several false starts, we were directed to a desk manned by smiling lady who meekly, yet firmly told us that we could either get our money refunded or catch a flight in three days time.

Look, there's really no nice way to put this. Collectively, Dave and I threw a TOTAL BITCH FIT. A tanty. A Britney Spears-style, shaved head, umbrella-wielding meltdown. There were FLIGHTS BOOKED! SMELLY, BED BUG RIDDEN HOSTELS PRE PAID FOR! Now look, I don't usually condone shouting at terrified Asian ladies but there were un drunk Mai Tai's at stake. Our joint hissy fit paid off and we were eventually transferred to a flight operated by Korean Air. As luck would have it, this was a direct flight and it would actually arrive an hour earlier than our original flight, giving us more time to go burn some delicate Irish skin on the beach. 

Palm trees at the airport? If this ain't paradise, I don't know what is..

Several in-flight movies later, we found ourselves on the bustling streets of Waikiki. Within hours, we had sorted ourselves a Hawaiian luau for the next day and found the cheapest cocktails and chili Waikiki had to offer. 

Waikiki Beach. You're so jealous you could spew, right?

The next day was a combination of exploring the beach and playing the 'Buy Mel Everything' Game. A ukulele, a bobble head hula dancer doll, a surf board- I bloody wanted it and as a result, Dave spent much of the day with a whining, petulant child in tow. In the late afternoon, we made a mad dash back to the hostel with 10 minutes to make ourselves look respectable for the luau. Not an easy task because as Dave so lovingly puts it, 'Gosh darl, you wouldn't even get an inch of your face done in that time.' True love right there. 

Within minutes of boarding the bus bound for Germaine's Luau, our friendly Hawaiian guide Mat was on the mic, cracking the jokes in an attempt to get the party started. And that's when it started: the dreaded ICE-BREAKING GAMES. There's no other way to put this: I hate that shit. 
I bloody paid $70 for this and the least you can do is let me sit in stony silence next my boyfriend, with nothing to say to him because we've spent every waking moment with each other since the start of this trip. I don't want to be made to uncomfortably hold the hand of the person in the aisle next to me. Jeez, there's some friends who I've known for years that I STILL won't hug when we say goodbye simply because I don't think we're there yet. 

Little do I know, that in 2 minutes, I'll be forced to massage someone's back

But Mat was relentless. We were going to bloody BOND, like it or not. Reluctantly, under the watchful eye of Mat, Dave and I lent stiffly over to the lady across with us and asked her a few starter questions. 

She blanked us. 

I mean, you'd get more conversation out of Charlie Chaplin. Look, I don't like it either lady, but I've got a large Hawaiian guy breathing down my neck, so throw me a frickin' bone here, ok. Several awkward silences later, Dave and I gave each other a look that said , 'Ah yes, trust us to be seated next to the bus Debbie Downer.' When we finally reached the luau, I instructed Dave to make a run for it off the bus so that we wouldn't end up sitting next to Debs for the rest of the night.

Feeling like a coupla Nigel-No-Friends, Dave and I surveyed the luau seating situation. We scanned the seats, trying to weed out any potential Debbies with our eyes. Eventually, moving not unlike how one would imagine you would approach a minefield, we settled upon a picnic table containing a gentleman who introduced himself as Kevin from Maryland. He was later joined by his doctor girlfriend, Anna. Now look, Mat might recommend hand holding as a team building tool but I've got an even better one...Alcohol. A few Mai Tai's later and we were all practically besties. Kevin and Dave made themselves known to the bartender with a few slipped bills and soon we were all enjoying extra-large and extra-strength cocktails. Dave and I,  not being the most forthcoming couple usually, found ourselves sharing another private moment in which we excitedly exclaimed, 'I think we've made friends! FRIENDS! REAL FRIENDS'

Buoyed by our budding friendship, we settled in for a night of Hawaiian entertainment. We watched as our meal for the night, a rather delicious smelling piggie friend, was pulled from the underground cooking pit, known as an imu. While stuffing our faces with the likes of pork, beef, fish, macaroni salad and poi (polynesian food made of taro plant), we were treated to girls doing some serious Hawaiian booty shaking that made Beyonce look like a beginner. We were wowed by hunky Hawaiian men twirling and  breathing fire. We were made misty-eyed by sorrowful Hawaiian ballads. There was even a moment, under the influence of a few cocktails, where we all found ourselves on stage, trying to imitate the hula shown to us by our beautiful Hawaiian counterparts. Dave's usual signature dance move is what I have termed the 'chicken wings' but he really brought it when required to shake his rump. That's him in the checked green shirt below.

Dinner Candy

The night was coming to a close and Kevin and Anna, who had not been subjected to the bus of 'fun' (I use that word in the loosest term possible), offered to drive us back to Waikiki as they were staying in the same area. Not eager to see what Mat had in store for the journey back, I jumped on that offer like white on rice. We all decided to continue the party at an Irish bar and soon, shots of tequila were a-flowing.

Sippin' on some lemonade

I've neglected to mention a tiny detail here. What's that, a 7am flight to the Big Island in the morning? Pish posh, such things do not matter in late hours of the night. But boy, do they matter in the early hours of the morn. The alarm went off at 5.30am and I slumped on Dave like a broken rag doll all the way to the airport. 

Death on a stick

But you know what guys, it was all worth it. You know why? FRIENDS! We made FRIENDS! Anna and Kevin, if you ever read this, we promise we're not creepy stalkers who are trying to Single White Female you. Overzealous eagerness aside, we've been known to be around people before, in various social situations, I swear. I've just realised of have no actual photos of them. But they're real, guys. They're really real.

Tune in next time, where I might actually write a blog that includes, ya know, something a bit cultural, like volcanoes and stuff. 

ALOHA!